Read this earlier what an incredible insight to addiction and really well written too.....
Thanks for posting Spam was a pleasure to read
"Happiness might now be bought for a penny, and carried in the waistcoat-pocket; portable ecstasies might be had corked up in a pint-bottle; and peace of mind could be sent down by the mail.”
Just read this; gripping stuff & bloody amazing how he can write so eloquently & beautifully about such a horrific & soul-destroying experience.....I'm saving the prequel you posted for tomorrow... a gem of a find, Spam
This.....is real life
10-01-2013, 02:21 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2013, 02:22 AM by Frank909090.)
Really liked this too actually... and love the way and style it was written. It didn't need to be perfect in a grammatical sense (not knocking the way it was written... it's just different)... but it was perfect in the way it needed to be. Thanks!
Easy to see why Thou mods the Words forum, huh? Part 2 is an incredible read. Just goes to show drugs and addiction are no respecter of intelligence, or self-awareness, or whatever, this guy understands everything and is still locked into this cycle. In fact I sometimes wonder if the more intelligent are more prone to certain addictions. They do tend to be more self-aware, and more self-critical, and more actively self-destructive sometimes, and I wonder if addiction is just one, long, harrowingly drawn out suicide bid for many of them in the end. :(
12-01-2013, 03:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-01-2013, 03:23 PM by Spam.)
He's mentioned that he's writing a book about his meth addiction. That would be fucking brilliant.
Quote from him
Quote:Anyone is capable of withdrawl.
Yes everyone is capable. The problem is, a lot of people don't believe they are capable. They think that withdrawal will be too hard, for whatever reason, so they continue to use.
meth withdrawl isn't very serious compared to the drugs a lot of people have to withdraw from.
Withdrawing from a prolonged IV meth binge is more difficult than withdrawing from most drugs. Personally, I think it is comparable to opiates, in terms of difficulty... I am capable of withdrawing from anything, including non-drug behavioral addictions. I can and have, many times, completely restructured my lifestyle. My diet, my drug use, my daily routine: every trait of my lifestyle is interchangeable. When I said I'm capable of withdrawal, what I meant was: I am capable of anything.
People don't continue using drugs that are seriously damaging their minds and bodies (and they are aware of the situation) because they are afraid of withdrawl.
I don't see the point in making blanket statements like this. Lots of people have trouble with withdrawal symptoms. And, lots of people are afraid of withdrawal. The addictive properties of heroin are constantly reinforced by concerned anti-drug activists. This causes an unrealistic level of fear to exist in the mind of new users. They are afraid of trying to quit, because they believe that it is virtually impossible to do so. The same can be said for withdrawal symptoms. You see Renton in Trainspotting sweating and screaming bloody murder as a dead baby crawls across his ceiling and you think "Fuck, I could never go through that!" Then you get into smack, and you're scared of getting out.
People continue to use in this state because they are unwilling to make serious life choices and changes to make it past the hump and find out -- once they have been clean for a little while -- exactly how fucked up it was that they were doing to themselves and how much better life can be.
Sure, some people. However, I wasn't in denial at any point. There is no pending realization. The realization of "how fucked up I was" existed concurrently alongside "how fucked up I was". Heroin tends to lend itself more towards denial than meth. I strive to be honest with myself, regardless. I am the opposite of an escapist. I insist upon moving myself from the so called prison of reality into the windowless ultra-reality of an isolation cell.
Please don't expect to write a trip report in record setting length detailing your patterns of extremely dangerous methamphetamine use and expect fellow Bluelighters to simply ignore the warning signs that you seem to be ignoring yourself.
What am I ignoring? I could quote you dozens of passages from this two-part report that state how dangerous and irresponsible my actions were. I haven't ignored any warning signs.
I’ve been surfing this fine line between using as much as humanly possible without collapsing my veins.
At the start, before I developed thrombosis, I was shooting up 4 times a day. My use and the increasing amount of damage sustained by my veins are inversely proportional. In the end, I was down to less than 1 shot per 24 hour period. Clearly I was not ignoring the consequence of my drug use. Ignoring is the wrong word.
I have had thrombosis many times. IVing uppers in sufficient quantities, inevitably leads to SVT. People who slam coke or speed or meth, and have done so for years, eventually grow accustomed to dealing with thrombosed veins. The paranoid thoughts had me doubting myself. I thought, maybe, it was something else. Something serious. It wasn't.
(BTW: I have, in the past, written and posted longer trip reports.)
I don't stick out my neck every time I read about somebody engaged in life threatening drug use. But in your case this seems particularly serious. As in, you need intervention right now.
No, I don't. I've worked thirteen hours over the past two days, including a fair amount of heavy lifting. Been using hirudoid cream and keeping warm. Sleeping in front of the heater every night, wearing thick woolen gloves. And, checking - frequently - on the state of my veins. Today, there is no more thrombosis. All veins remain accounted for.
I understand to someone uninitiated with thrombosis, that a red hand/arm might seem worse than it really is. I do. But, thrombosis is the least of a junkies concern. It hardly gets a mention in the Safer Injecting Guide. I have a number of books about intravenous drug use. I've read dozens of articles. I've talked to doctors. Medical attention is not required, nor is it even recommended. The only thing a doctor can do is tell you to get some blood thinners (aspirin) and anti-inflammatory drugs (aspirin/ibuprofen). These are available OTC.
I'm sure there will be other people here to respond in ways which may seem more supportive of your situation, but I think you need a serious wake up call and sometimes it takes some brutal honesty to bring about a realistic, thorough and honest self evaluation.
I'm not looking for support. I was attempting to, and demonstrably have, exercised harm reduction. My trip reports do not glorify drug use. I could have written it selectively, but that would be dishonest. I am neither dishonest with myself, or dishonest with other users. By documenting the junky, warts and all, I hope to have discouraged use. Trainspotting glorifies heroin to some extent while also demonizing it. Irvine Welsh has a habit of exaggerating the good and exaggerating the bad, in order to establish dramatic contrast. I do not do this. I am "brutally honest" with myself. This trip report is an exercise in brutal honesty.
Well, and this is brutally honest...
It sounds to me like you are suffering from amphetamine psychosis.
I wrote about amphetamine psychosis, throughout the entire (brutally honest) report!
Anyway if you can handle the withdrawls prove it.
While I have nothing to prove to myself, I'm happy to demonstrate. Part 3 is still being written. Will post it when I'm done.
amphetamines are pretty much the worst thing for your mind body and soul. they really dont improve a person
There are many drugs that are far worse to IV and, while amphetamines are highly neurotoxic, there are many drugs far worse in terms of neurotoxicity. I can give you a list, if you like... As for the psychological/spiritual impact of long term amphetamine use: personally I find alcohol, MDMA, opiates, and others, to be worse. It depends, on a case by case basis. Some people have no problems with alcohol. I find the psychological aftermath of amphetamines to be relatively mild.
I am perfectly lucid. Other than being extremely physically tired, I feel fine.
Drugs don't "improve" people. Don't fool yourself into thinking that whatever it is you take does you more good than harm.
If it makes you feel better, keep saying: "You need help"; "You require intervention"; "Seek professional advice; and, other variations of the same statement. I don't need help. I am in my third day of withdrawals, and the thrombosis is gone. I realize that you were all acting out of concern. And, as I said I appreciate the concern. If I'd not experienced clotting before, I would have said the same thing. Your concern was understandably uninformed. I am perfectly fine. I have no intention of using for the next two months. I do not require any form of intervention.
Don't want regrets, going to try my best
But I'm only a man doing what I can
And I'll go forth with these words in my hand, in my hand.
'I say, "[size=4]fuck
", at the top of my voice'[/size]
this is powerful and insightful to a non-user, but I know plenty of them...I hope they will never become this habitual.
"Fear? If I have gained anything by damning myself, it is that I no longer have anything to fear." ~ Jean-Paul Sartre
I just read Spam's post. A friend is on MMT 350mg's aday spilt 3 ways. Has severe Chronic Pain, from several failed spinal fussions, also has M.S. Has been doing well, just on his MMT, but last 2 weeks has been doing allot of spcl K,@ increased benzos. Seems to have allot of axiety..Go figure,@ is try to weather the storm best as possable. He says the special K, is new hasn't been done except in last 2 weeks w/ a 3 day break last week. Any thoughts on how long the physical "kick" maybe for him? TY